outrunning the cloud.

A month or so ago, I decided to include posts about my battle with bipolar disorder on the blog. It's an incredibly real part of my life and I know there are people out there that can relate, so just as you read quirky posts about my food adventures, I hope you will also read these and somehow get a new perspective on what it's like for the people around you who struggle with this.  Here's another post.

Some days being bipolar is exhausting.  This morning, I spent the whole time I was getting a shower and getting dressed convincing myself that it was okay to leave the house. What if there was a terrorist attack or an earthquake or something and I couldn't get home?  What if I got sick while I was out in public? (My worst fear ever.)  What if something happened and I couldn't drive?  I had to work my way through a million fears before I assured myself that I would be okay and I would indeed find my way safely home again.  Getting over the panic sort of feels like climbing your way up a steep hillside... the kind where you have to hang on to trees, or pulling yourself out of a dirt hole...   It's mentally exhausting, but today I had things to do.  It wasn't an option to go back to bed or sit on the couch cuddling with my dog (he's cute, huh?) and cleaning off the DVR.

I jerked myself up by my bootstraps, fixed my to-go cup, and took two excited little girls out to the Children's Museum.  The to-go cup is my thing.  It's my security blanket.  I don't know why.  It's just my coping mechanism thing. Actually today, I had two: coffee in a Starbucks cup and water in my Tervis.  I do the to-go cup thing in style.  I need a car with more cup holders.

Mild agoraphobia is a part of the bipolar deal for me and it is incredibly inconvenient.  I like to stay on the go, I like adventures and new experiences... so being afraid to leave the house some days is a bit problematic. I don't talk about it much. I've sort of learned that the more I give into it, the bigger the problem gets.   I'm fortunate to have figured out mostly how to live around the crazy little parts of myself and I've come to know they are only the tiniest pieces of me thrown in with a whole bunch of other ginormous and stupendous things.